funny quotes and jokes

If fate means you to lose, give him a good fight anyhow. ~William McFee



Who among us hasn't envied a cat's ability to ignore the cares of daily life and to relax completely? ~Karen Brademeyer



A man has often more trouble to digest food than to get it. ~Proverb



Civilization is a stream with banks. The stream is sometimes filled with blood from people killing, stealing, shouting and doing the things historians usually record, while on the banks, unnoticed, people build homes, make love, raise children, sing songs, write poetry and even whittle statues. The story of civilization is the story of what happened on the banks. Historians are pessimists because they ignore the banks for the river. ~Will Durant



That which we obtain too easily, we esteem too lightly. ~Thomas Paine



A group becomes a team when each member is sure enough of himself and his contribution to praise the skills of the others. ~Norman Shidle



I can't believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest. ~Steven Pearl



If the World Series runs until election day, the networks will run the first one-half inning and project the winner. ~Lindsey Nelson



To all of us who hold the Christian belief that God is truth, anything that is true is a fact about God, and mathematics is a branch of theology. ~Hilda Phoebe Hudson



To a friend, who asked him how to find out a girl's faults, he gave the sage advice to praise her to her girl friends. ~Edwin Lillie Miller, 1938, Explorations in Literature, about Benjamin Franklin (Thanks, Sam)



A man without a wife is like a vase without flowers. ~African Proverb



Many a true word is spoken in jest. ~English Proverb



The best time to make friends is before you need them. ~Ethel Barrymore



These martyrs of patriotism gave their lives for an idea. ~Schuyler Colfax



A true sportsman is a hunter lost in the woods and out of ammo. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com



History supplies little beyond a list of those who have accommodated themselves with the property of others. ~Voltaire, Philosophical Dictionary



Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser



Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that. ~Norman Vincent Peale



I never even believed in divorce until after I got married. ~Diane Ford



Being an American is a spectator sport. ~Brock Fiant